some things you'll do for money, some you'll do for fun
by clavariafumosa
Summary: The entire concept of 'relationship' is something foreign to both of them. Kenny hasn't exactly had a strong sense of what relationship-even friendship-was like since he was in fourth grade and his parents could stand to be in the same room as each other without breaking, like, everything. Even so, he knows what it means to be family, at least.


Karen bounds through the door, red face plastered with a grin that's not so much sad as it is tired. "Kenny," she says, breathless. "It's snowing! And look, it's barely freezing!"

She holds up a thermometer that Kenny is sure his mother broke two days ago, and sure enough the mercury is stuck at around thirty degrees. Karen's eyes tell him everything; they won't need to run down the power turning the stove heat on for too long. Even if it did get colder, they could always tuck under Kenny's semi-clean bedsheets on his twin bed and get warmer. Kevin had his own space heater and some weird solar thing he wouldn't let anyone touch, so he wasn't getting in on any of it. His mother would probably end up with them, too, but that was what it was.

"Hey," Kenny says, holding up a gloved hand. "It's only noon, so don't count your chickens, runt." Karen huffs and settles with him on the couch; he slides over to give her the half that doesn't sag and feels a stray spring poke his ass. Ow.

"Well, whatever, it's Saturday! If it snows through Sunday we don't have school!" Karen looks excited, but Kenny definitely doesn't. No school means there's an even bigger chance of 1. their father coming by roaring drunk, 2. running out of food, or 3. Kenny getting pissed off at everyone and trying to run away. He knows the latter's probably not going to happen, since it stresses his mother out and he really doesn't want her stressing out. The first won't probably happen either, but he's not making himself any promises.

"Yeah, yeah, if you have summer school, you're walking. I don't think my piece of s-h-i-t truck can handle all that schooling. It can barely handle it now." To reassure her that he's joking, he reaches out his sock-covered foot and pokes her in the belly. She makes a face and pushes it away, trying to poke him back with her snow boot.

For a while, they sit and throw stuffing from the couch at each other, but a knock at his door catches his attention. His mother calls from the kitchen, asking if Kenny can get it. He can, and he does.

"Dude!" Kyle barges inside his house, Stan trailing after like his dog and, for some reason, with his dog. "You really need to get out to main street, Ken! You'll never believe what's happening!"

"Well, come in," Kenny says as Stan picks up Karen and spins her; they both know she's too old for it, but as long as Stan can still pick her up, she'll let him do it. "What's even happening on main street that could be so fucking important? Is fatboy eating the whole Casa Bonita or something while he rides on some parade float?"

"Language," Karen comments. Stan ruffles her hair.

Kyle rolls his eyes and gives him a look like Kenny should know what's going on. "No, shithead, Craig Tucker and Tweek are having another fight!" He looks more scared than excited, and Kenny raises his eyebrow. "We were hoping you could break it up before it starts. Craig won't listen, but Tweek didn't even want to start anything."

"Let me guess," Kenny says, sighing. "Cartman?"

Kyle nods and Stan removes his hat. "The one and only. Craig says Tweek broke the window in his kitchen, but it was obviously Cartman. Broken with a rock and everything, he says. Tweek was just there and Craig started yelling." He shakes his head and looks at Kenny with an expression Kenny can't place.

"Why me?" he asks. "I mean, I know why me, but why so early? And why _today_? I was going to take Karen sledding."

"No you wer-" Kenny slaps a hand over Karen's mouth before she can make him look stupid.

"We just thought, you know...None of us are close to Craig, but you guys smoke or whatever together, right? Can't you persuade him to lay off?" Kyle's got a shit-eating expression on his face, like he knows Kenny won't decline.

Another knock at his door sounds, this time more urgent and light. Butters doesn't even wait until someone opens the door before rushing in, face redder than Karen's. "He's doing it! Craig's heading to Tweak Coffee right now to get him!" His eyes are wide and he's practically panting with what Kenny can assume is effort of getting to Kenny's house; it's understandable, since he's at the very edge of town, but still it's startling.

"Oh my god," Kyle starts repeating, running his hands under his ushanka. "Oh my god, oh my god, he's going to KILL him."

"Wait," Kenny says. "Why is he so mad that Tweek broke his dumb window? It's just a window. Can't he just replace it or something?"

"No!" Kyle screams at him. Stan gives Kenny a look and shrugs, implying he doesn't know why Kyle's so worked up, either.

"Okay, god, we can go save Tweek's twitchy ass. Stop peeing yourself, Kyle." Kyle opens his mouth to say something, but Kenny's already shoving past him out the door and into his truck. He holds his breath while he turns the key, pleasantly surprised when it starts. The trio of visitors pile into the snow-filled back and he speeds off down the street, almost skidding into at least three buildings on the way.

On main street, at least half of the high school is standing conspicuously around Tweak's Coffee. Kenny knows the police station is pretty far away, but there has to be someone around willing to break up the fight that owns pepper spray or something. Peaking out his window, Kenny notices that Wendy Testaburger is blocking the doorway, arms crossed in front of her. Inside, two heads of blonde hair (presumably Tweek and Bebe) are waving their arms around as though they're having an argument, Tweek more desperately. Even from his place across the street, Tweek's screaming is audible, though Kenny can barely make out any of what he's saying.

In spite of Craig's reputation of beating up people often, there's no doubt in Kenny's mind that Craig's already been talked out of it and now is only going to fight Tweek because so many people expect him too. Sure enough, Craig and those guys he hangs out with are mostly sitting on the wet snow near the theater, having a similarly heated argument. Token is standing, though, arms crossed, facing away from the group. He seems on the verge of walking away, but something tells Kenny that Clyde's blubbering ass is keeping him there just in case Craig decides to take out his anger on him. Craig does look genuinely close to punching Clyde's shit in, but he can't be too sure because he kind of always looks like that. Why Kyle expects Kenny to get to him he doesn't know, but with a sigh he slips out of his car and onto the street.

As he reaches Craig and Clyde (who is still crying), Kenny gets two looks of confusion and one of thanks. Token turns back to them and crosses his arms. Craig look at him and gives him a finger, which is a nasty habit Kenny thankfully never liked much.

"You're going to fight Tweek Tweak, huh." It's less of a question than a statement, but Craig raises his eyebrows in thought as Kenny leans against a mailbox. "You're going to beat the shit out of Tweek Tweak."

"Yeah, what about it?" Craig asks.

"Well, I just think that's pretty dumb of you to beat up on him for what Cartman did." Craig looks shocked, and Kenny rolls his eyes, swiping snow off the mailbox and taking a seat on it. "Come on, when has Tweek ever thrown shit at you. God, Craig, he's probably more scared of you than he is of underpants dwarves."

"Gnomes," Clyde says in between hiccups. Craig shoves him. Clearly they've had a pretty big argument. Kenny just can't believe Clyde still cries about trivial crap like Craig getting mad at him or the McDonalds ice cream machine being broken.

"Um, okay, Einstein," Craig says in a way that Kenny suspects is supposed to be sassy or maybe annoyed. "What the hell do you expect me to do?"

Kenny looks back at his truck, where Stan and Butters are holding their thumbs up for him while Kyle paces. He looks back at the opportune time, because Kyle slips on a patch of ice on the road and slams his ass onto the pavement. Kenny snorts and looks back at Craig on the ground. "Kiss and make up?" he suggests with a grin.

Craig's on him in an instant, clutching Kenny's parka in his hands. Kenny's trying not to laugh because all this is just one big joke and Craig appears to be making a pretty big punchline of himself. "Craig, Craig, come on! I was kidding! Seriously, though, be the bigger man." Hands leave his parka and he smoothes it out a little indignantly. "That kid's like, what, ninety pounds dripping? That's like beating up a puppy. Or your little sister. You can't beat your sister up, Craig."

"God, that's what I said! He's just being stupid," Token says, giving Kenny another grateful glance. "Is it just me? Is he being stupid?"

"It's just you," Craig grumbles. "Whatever, though, I won't kick Tweek's head in."

Kenny sighs in relief, mostly because he doesn't want to see Tweek having a breakdown in a hospital bed somewhere. He starts to walk away, but a gloved hand shoots out and catches his sleeve. "I'm not finished, McCormick."

When he wakes up on Sunday, he's disoriented and a little sore, but he equates that feeling to the couch spring poking straight into his ass. "Karen?" He says, sitting up. His head collides with someone else's and they both pull back, Kenny clutching his head on his couch.

"God damn it, Stan, I told you not to do that in case he woke up and gave you both a fucking concussion." Kyle's voice is the last thing he wants to hear right now.

"Where's my sister?"

"Uhhhh, good question. In the snow outside?"

"You're not _watching her?!_" Kenny sits up again, and though his head is throbbing, he flings his door open. Karen is in the yard, building a snowman on the top of Kenny's truck. She waves at him and points to the snowman, who is wearing a snow-parka. Kenny shoots her a thumbs-up and closes the door.

"I was watching her," Stan says, wiping his nose on his sleeve. Kyle makes a face at him.

"Stan, they make tissues for a reason," he complains, and Kenny snorts. "No, don't you start, too."

"Hey, Kyle," Stan says, locking eyes with Kenny. He holds his arm up, moving it dangerously close to his face. "Check it out! You could clone me with these germs!"

Kyle yells, shoving his head into Stan's stomach. Why he did that Kenny never bothered to question, but it makes him laugh all the same. "You're fucking disgusting," he declares.

"Excuse me?" Kenny asks, flopping back onto the couch. "_He's_ disgusting? Kyle, have you met your mom's food? And, good god, you ingest that swill willingly."

"Swillingly," Stan says, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth.

Kyle moans angrily. "No! No puns, god damn it!"

From Kenny's bathroom, he hears a flush and suddenly Butters is back in his house, looking much less stressed than he had been. "Oh, gosh, were you waiting on me for somethin'?"

"Nah," Kenny says, flicking his phone open. Two texts from Kevin from three days ago and one from Token apologizing. He flips it shut and yawns. "We were just grossing Kyle out."

"Congratulations, dicklick, you did your job. I'm going to go bathe in, like, acid to get your gross germs off me."

Butters looks alarmed. Kenny starts laughing because seriously, how can someone be so innocent so old? Kyle catches on, too, and reassures him that he's not, in fact, actually going to bathe himself in acid.

"So," Kyle says after a long pause in which Butters is seemingly appeased and Stan is still trying not to laugh at him. "Who wants some food?"

Karen, who has entered through the front door, shouts "me!" while she hops on one foot, trying to wiggle her other foot out of the boot on it. She's struggling, which makes Kenny laugh again. "Well, good," Kyle says, almost matter-of-fact in his tone. "My mom's making veggie loaf and I can't fucking stand it."

Stan pumps two fists in the air and jumps to stand on the couch, playing an invisible guitar. "And now….." he says in an announcer's voice. "Comin' at you la-la-la-live from Madison Square Garden…...Sheila Broflovski performing her new hit single 'Veggie Loaf'!" He mimics the crowd's cheers in between his cupped hands, taking extra care to scream louder when Kyle tries to swat him down. Eventually he gets tired of balancing on the cushions and cannonballs down, propping his feet up on Kyle's knees. Kyle makes another face and shoves them off, but Stan keeps putting them back up, so he gives up with an exasperated sigh.

"You watch," Kenny says, watching the staticky television absently. "One day Kyle's going to make his own veggie loaf and make us all eat it. You won't laugh when he's exactly like his mom and you're in his seat."

"There's a big difference between me and Kyle and Kyle's mom. I actually enjoy veggie loaf. That's why I'm Kyle's mom's favorite friend."

"What, no," Kyle says, crossing his arms carefully over Stan's feet. "It's because you have no sense of smell OR gag reflex! You're the only person in my whole family who can stomach that mush! She needs a new oven, mark my words."

"What's even in veggie loaf?" Kenny asks. "Karen's allergic to almonds."


End file.
